The marriage series – Distance and age gap relationships

Opinions are like heartbeats, everyone alive, has one.
However, it’s funny how some people’s opinions are revered while others are jeered.
In order to learn more, we should try to put our prejudices aside and listen to what others have to say, or we may miss something.

Foundational truths and preferences
Preferences are something we all have, being uniquely created individuals, those preferences are usually subjective and are ‘mostly’ fine to have, as long as we don’t religiously hold them as “foundational Bible truths” over others, expecting them to follow.
Whether we like it or not, our rules, laws and boundaries usually have a tangible permanent benchmark and that is the Word of Yeshua.
That Word is most definitely polarising, separating those in agreement from those who disagree, seemingly in equal measure.
You need to be able to correctly understand Yeshua’s Word in order to understand the (generic applicable to everyone) ways in which He is commanding two things from us.
1) To love Him, with all our heart, mind, soul and strength.
2) To love our neighbours as ourselves.
We can only understand so much, with the initial limited cerebral knowledge He gives to all of us.
Full understanding of Him and His Word (wisdom) comes over a process of time, after being filled with Yeshua’s Holy Spirit.
That part of Him which He places in the believer, allowing both hearts and minds to open to receive full and deeper revelation and understanding of the spiritual matters, which affects all of the human race.
Revelation and understanding which compliments, not contradicts, His Word.
Foundational Bible truths are good and right to have and follow, personal preferences however, while showing our individuality and uniqueness, can also have negative affects on both ourselves and others, especially if they are contrary to the Word of Yeshua.

Understanding
Some of this particular post is foundational Word based but most of it is based on opinion and personal preference.
There…my admittance up front, it may please some, those who dislike the absolutes, rights and wrongs of Yeshua’s word.
However, it may displease those who don’t want to read about personal preferences, who just want to read about the hard-line, ‘what did Yeshua say?’, about a given subject.
It’s an undeniable truth, that we can’t please everyone, however, to make things clear.
Do not allow yourself to be fooled into thinking (as the Christian religious conservatives mostly do) that personal preference are not relevant, because they are, especially if they DO NOT contradict or attack the Word of Yeshua.
Also, do not allow yourself to be fooled into thinking (as the Christian religious liberals mostly do) that it’s OK to form Yeshua in your own image, creating religious doctrines/teachings based on (contradictory to the Word) personal preference, because it IS NOT.

If the reader/listener takes the time to carefully read, dissect and look at the context in which something is said, a greater understanding would be developed, whether they are a believer or not.
Sadly, many today don’t slow down to take a ‘Selah moment’ to pause, read and digest, in order to learn to understand.

SMPs (Social Media Platforms)
Some may argue with this but I believe the microwave society, which has led to the creation of the scroll, tick and short comment on most SMPs, are not helping the understanding (or memory retention) of many of today’s users of those SMPs.
It’s almost as if the platforms were setup for those who lack the ability to maintain, process and retain information and appears to encourage a type of, need my next fix, mentality.
While everyone is entitled to use the SMPs (where the platform owners permit) as they choose to, the constant regurgitation of often similar pieces of information can be cumbersome and irritating.
That, along with text restrictions, hypertensive monitors and algorithms which hide certain messages and accounts.
It’s amazing people are able to speak freely and take the time to understand what another user is saying.
In many aspects, the usage of most of these social media platforms can become very gimmicky, creating a fickle and shallow, surface environment.
With people ticking/liking and sharing certain messages, then forgetting about what was said in them, within 5 mins of doing so, while moving onto the next message/video/graphic on the timeline.

My love/hate relationship with my SMP of choice is severely tested at times, however, I remain, due to some great individuals who also utilise it, the most encouraging of which, also take the time to comment here on the site.

Distance and time
If you’ve read ‘The marriage series – What is marriage?’ you already know the answer, especially concerning Yeshua’s foundational perfect will intention, of adults only leaving their parents home, to setup home with their spouse and start their own family.
That being said, what about those who pursue relationships with someone in different parts of a town, city, country or in different countries?
How is a relationship supposed to work if a couple hardly ever sees each other?
How is that couple supposed to really get to know each other, if they have distance and time limitations, restricting their relationships?
Once married, how is that couple supposed to maintain close intimacy with each other, develop and grow together, if they spend vast amounts of time apart?
The whole point of a union, where two become one, is for those two individuals to be close together in heart, mind, spirit and body and that includes, preferably being in the same post(zip/area) code, i.e. the same house.

Humans are great at creating own-intellect sayings, to help us to feel better about situations we usually put ourselves in.
The main one which springs to mind is ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’.
While this saying has ‘some’ truth to it, we do actually miss the people we love, when we haven’t seen them in a while.
There is, however, a counter-saying (argument), which is ‘absence can make the love go cold’.
It takes a strong couple, probably being in a relationship for a good few years to be able to handle the absent periods within their relationship, coming back together with next to no problems whatsoever.
If that relationship isn’t based on a good, honest and open loving foundation, being apart for long periods of time can be extremely detrimental to that union.
With one or both having, long bouts of time to think about the relationship and the decisions they have made.
While sometimes having to fend off attentions from a third party, trying to exploit the distance between a couple.
One particular speaker once said, using a baseball analogy, ‘there is always someone warming up in the ball-park, waiting to take over from a person in their relationship’, and there’s a lot of truth to those words.

Sometimes a job opportunity, in a different part of the country, or another country, is too good an opportunity to pass up.
A couple facing that possibility really needs to weigh up the pros and cons for such a move, especially if it’s not a temporary position.
To add to that, how long is too long? There is no real set answer, as, obviously, every couple and the individuals in that couple, are different.
Taking ‘The marriage series – Money’ post into consideration, couples have to ask themselves, if the job and resulting money, is really more important than maintaining a strong relationship.
There’s always a work-around, if we search hard enough for them, ones which will result in a couple living together, as they should.

There is a theory that couples who spend large amounts of time apart, actually try harder not to take each other for granted, when they get back together.
Choosing to be more deliberate and intentional with how they spend their time with each other.
While that may be the case, initially, yet again, it takes a strong bond between a couple, to maintain that over a long period of time, eventually one or both may get fed-up of the arrangement.

There is also a belief that being apart for long periods of time, is actually better for some couples.
It works for them because they can’t spend too much time in the same vicinity, as it causes arguments.
Did those couples who agree with this theory, start their relationship on the more solid ‘friendship first’ basis?
Is that a couple in denial, not wanting to admit that they do not have much in common?
Are either one or both natural celibates, not wanting to admit they would be better off on their own?
Is it really just a marriage for the convenience of the money accumulated or the spiritually legal sex they can have as a married couple, when their hormonal arousal clocks call for it?

Sometimes we like the initial idea of being different from those around us, especially those choosing to have their exotic international relationships.
However, does that help to build the necessary village links, to support relationship and family environments, especially concerning parenting?

When we choose to have long distance relationships are we really looking at the ‘big picture’ or just the here and now, expecting that everything will work out when we ‘cross that bridge’?
There is one particular case we know of, where the individual only shared their initial plans for such a relationship with a few people.
She met someone (who lives in a different country) a few times and decided to get married abroad in that persons country, only telling the rest of her relatives and friends, after, they married.
I’m sure it was exciting for them at first, with them taking annual or bi-annual trips to get their ‘marital top-ups’.
However, the trips have always only been one way, with the spouse not showing any desire to visit their country or see their relatives in person.
What was once an exciting long distance relationship/marriage was last referred to, by the person we know, as them putting themselves in ‘a situation’.
The annual trips slowly stopped, partially due to the Plandemics affects on flights and travel, partially due to situations occurring in their family but also due to the strain which distance places on a relationship.
Also, in that particular case, there is a 19 year age-gap difference, with the male being the younger spouse and the female initially (taking the man’s role) in pursing the relationship and marriage in the first place.

Technology has advanced to the point where we can video chat, every day/night if we want but can that really compensate for close proximity living, having the ability to hug, touch and feel, without the possibility of others (working within certain companies/agencies) snooping on us?
Can technology, really replace close human contact?
In some cases it’s a viable workaround, but in general, all the tech in the world can’t beat or replace, a tactile, ‘private’, human relationship.

The history of age gap marriages
There are scholars and students out there who would have done their historical research.
Before I continue, I want to acknowledge that, yes, some of the Hebrew (Israelite) patriarchs of the Old Testament, were ‘betrothed’ to (shockingly) pre-teens, as well as young teenage females.
It was a practice of other tribes, who had religious beliefs in other things and entities.
An ancient practice to secure sexual purity (virgin brides) as well as being able to have many children, to assist with the family business, farming etc., by starting with a younger fitter wife.
While other tribes married pre-teens and (shockingly) consummated those marriages at the same time.
The Hebrew (Israelites) who believed and followed the Torah (not the Talmud) usually waited until their betrothed bride were in their mid-late teens/early twenties before marrying then consummating their marriages.
Yes, there were and still are many hypocritical notions, concerning sexual purity, from men in particular.
While they may or may not deal with prostitutes, and be sexually impure themselves, they expected their brides, to be virgins, who kept away from all pre-marital sexual practices.
That was another reason why they arranged marriages, with other families, while their daughters were young, to prevent them from engaging in fornication (sex before marriage) as some of the men did, or from being kidnapped.

Ancient ceremonies and practices relating to the young which continue today
There are many alleged and actual testimonies of females escaping sexual ceremonies and rituals by modern day cults, high-society groups and celebrity circles, within behind closed doors rituals.
This is not a new evil, the rituals and ceremonies which are performed today, were historically practised by many tribes and nations, in worship of the enemies of the human race.
Children in general (boys included) were offered up, in death or repeated physical, emotional and sexual abuse, to the enemies of the human race, in worship and for the promise of wealth and other favours/desires.
Disgustingly and sadly, Paedophiles and Paedophilia were and still are very much connected to all forms of Pagan Satanic worship.
I don’t want to go into this too much in this post but it’s interesting to note that some within certain sections of society, prefer to carry out their version of events (the ceremonies) by dating people much younger than themselves.

Special punishments will be given to the repeat offender, the UN-repentant and those who feel they are untouchable, due to the people they know, who are connected and also involved.
No one will escape Yeshua’s judgements and wrath, concerning the harming and abuse of innocent babies and children.

Age is just a number…or is it?
Some may ask, what’s the problem, if two adults are consenting and in agreement, what difference does the age make?
Men have been doing it for centuries, what’s wrong with women dating much younger men?
Some say as long as the youngest person is over 21, there should be no problem.
Others have said, sometimes strong connections are formed with someone born in a different decade to yourself, and don’t see a problem with pursuing a relationship in that situation.
While others say, as long as you can cross the generational gap, sharing the same values and beliefs, there should be no problem with it.

The are many statements and questions which attempt to justify age-gap relationships.
However, there are ways to answer these and other questions to bring about balanced reasoning on the subject matter.
Having read, ‘Just for men’, ‘Women only’ and ‘The marriage series – Money’ posts, in looking at age-gap relationships, it would be easy to identify the possible financial reasons for the large disparity in age, especially within certain cultures, where the male is way older than the female.
However, now, sadly, many young men are taking a leaf out of the same book and are also getting with senior women, for financial security.
It’s not all about the money, we personally know of a few more cases (barring the one I previously mentioned) where the women are older and the males involved have not looked to be financially been taken care of, they just click and fit together.

In the world we now live in, where many are desperate and search for money, as they should be for Yeshua.
It’s not surprising to see that most younger people would now consider old partners, for financial security, in order to be taken care of.
Father and now mother issues, are becoming more prevalent in some of the young, as well as a desire for ‘younger flesh/bodies’ in many of the old, especially the rich or famous.
Taking into consideration that the human brain/mind doesn’t become fully developed until over the age of 25.
Is 21 a fair gauge to be setting the, ‘nothing wrong with that’, age parameter?
Some have shockingly stated that youth of 18 or even 16 is fair game, as long as they are physically or mentally mature enough…but are they?
I was speaking to someone some years ago about the rising phenomenon and he declared that as long as a female was well developed and interested, he thought there was nothing wrong with it, even if they were borderline/underage.
I wonder if people realise how close to paedophilia they really sail?
Alarmingly there are some sections of society trying to downgrade/downplay the sin/crime of paedophilia, seeking to have the term replaced with something less shocking.

Then there are those senior adults, especially the men, with the so-called Peter Pan complexes, attempting to stay as young as possible, for as long as possible by dating younger females who may not be immediately ready for marriage and are definitely not ready to become mothers.
This gives the female, the sugar daddy type they need, to cover for the daddy issues, while the man can avoid the adult responsibilities of being a parent in, a relationship with a mature woman closer to their age.

There are those men with a similar mindset who do date women in the same age group.
They don’t want to be fathers yet, but like the stability that the relationship gives them.
However, while their partners secretly hope that they grow up, recognise who they have, marry them and work on becoming parents together.
Sadly, those women are strung along until enough is enough.
If the women end the relationship early enough, they have a chance to be available to marry someone who does want to be a husband and father and will hopefully have the marriage and family life in the new relationship, they always wanted.
There are the cases of those women who didn’t obey the warning signs, stay in the relationship way too long.
When they move on and try to conceive in their new relationship, due to their age and other factors, may encounter problems.
While their ex, who wasted so much of their time, finally decides to grow up, marry a younger woman then immediately begins to have children with his younger wife.
These things happen, sometimes it’s age related but usually sex is involved (clouding judgments as usual) causing people to remain in situations for way longer than they should be.

Usually the younger women stick around to become financially stable widows, especially if they don’t already earn their own money.
Females in general, do a much better job at looking past the ascetics, focusing on character and the ability of the man to provide.
Most can accept and endure the relationship long enough to have that fresh start, when the old man passes.
However, some women want to have their cake and pie too, having a relationship (committing adultery) with a younger fitter and tighter man, on the side, who, disgustingly, is happy to spend the older man’s money, as well as be with his wife.

What about the older women, how many consider all sides.
Does the male have a desire to forsake all others, preferring maturity and experience?
Maybe he earns his own money, so mummy issues have nothing to do with being in a relationship with an older woman.
Maybe they match sexually, so there is no need to look elsewhere.
Or, maybe he doesn’t earn his own money, or as much money as he would like, therefore he would not want to jeopardise becoming a financially well-off widower, when the old woman passes.
However, what about the fact that ageing is inevitable, for everyone.
Is the older woman confident that her younger man will not leave her, for a bouncier and more toned younger woman?

We are living in a time where the, ‘who cares what others think?’ philosophy is being widely shared.
However, sadly, people are throwing caution to the wind when they should be caring and deeming trivial things as being important, when they shouldn’t.
How about the relatives, friends and family members?
How about having young adult children in the same age as your partner?
What about having a partner in the same age-group or older than your parents?
How do you navigate dealing with the conversations and actions of those you care about?
Can a massive generational gap really be spanned with ease?
How young is too young and how old is too old?

Conclusions
If we really care about someone, if they are our best friend, while we can spend time apart, the true test of a relationship, is how well two individuals can share the same space without becoming fed up with each other.
Distance isn’t really the test of having a great relationship, togetherness is, being able to have and enjoy the constant company of that best friend.
Who is your spouse and also your only sexually partner and lover.

Concerning age gap relationships:-
* If all factors are considered by both parties.
* There was no previous paedophile abuse.
* No previous abuses of power, by taking advantage of positions of responsibilities.
* The youngest partner is over 25.
* There are no mummy or daddy issues.
* The younger partner is not in the same age groups as the other partners children or grandchildren.
* The older partner is not in the same age group as the parents or grandparents.
If people are marrying correctly and for the right reasons, is it really anyone else’s right to determine that it’s wrong for that couple to be together?

Please don’t misunderstand me, I personally believe that life contains limits, for good reasons.
I will share more deeper personal thoughts in my last post in this marriage series.
For now, I will say (to the date of this post) that as a 51 year young male, with a mum 17 years older than me, my wife is 6 months younger than me, with our eldest child being 27 and the youngest being 13.
I personally have some strong views on age-gap relationships and marriages, especially when those age gaps are extreme.

Phil Gayle
G Man
Watiwa Mtoto wa Yeshua