Don’t Settle

We go through life with differing attitudes, our expectations can be positive, negative or a combination of both, depending on our past experiences, emotional/spiritual state and how we choose to deal with others.
The saying “misery loves company”, is true, therefore it’s possible for miserable people to attract others and have a relationship.
However, in saying that, those with a more ‘positive’ attitude to life, are usually the ones who are more successful in maintaining a long term relationship.

Before we can become a successful half of a partnership, we have to learn to develop ourselves and be secure in our singleness.
A wise woman recently echoed one of my previously held life-thoughts, she said we can only help those who want to listen and I emphatically believe that to be true.
I’ve mentioned this before, FSAC is open to everyone but specifically for those born after 1960.
When it comes to the human race, there are no absolutes, we appear to have a natural ability to complicate matters.
I’ve found, in general, those born before 1960 ‘know’, they appear to have an ability to hold down relationships with more longevity.
There are ‘obviously’ exceptions to the rule, some born before that time (1960) can’t seem to keep still for a minute and don’t do well in relationships.
And yet, there are many excellent examples of those born after 1960 who are in relationships (especially marriages) which have gone way into double figures (i.e. more than 10 years).

Relationships are not easy, but they are also not extremely difficult, individuals can be both consistent in their personality type but over the course of time, they can also change.
Navigating those changeable and unchangeable personality traits require individuals to possess and exercise certain attributes, namely…love, communication, listening, patience, forgiveness, understanding and emotional flexibility.
Some have those attributes in abundance, others need to exercise some humility in order to be taught, so they can grow in the needed areas.

While we develop ourselves as individuals and part of a couple, it’s important to learn how to say sorry and mean it, as well as show and benefit from exercising the power of forgiveness.
Yes, these are areas (which need their own chapters) but I’m sure you understand what I mean.

Mistakes vs Bad Choices

It’s also important to understand that there is a difference between mistakes and bad choices.
Accepting that truth, will help an individual to become a partner, one which someone else would want to stick around for and live with, indefinitely.
We have to understand that ‘Mistakes’ are unforeseen negative outcomes, from taken actions.
When an individual carries out actions with known negative consequences, that’s not a mistake, that’s an ‘intentional bad choice’.
If we choose to, we can learn from our past and adopt a ‘treat others as we want to be treated’ philosophy.
That will greatly reduce or eliminate those intentional bad choices, which, if repeated too often, result in broken relationships and more seriously, broken marriages.

Settling
I’ve personally heard of stories of couples, including those born before 1960 (and know a few) who have ‘settled’ in relationships.
There’s a strong argument for the longevity of those more ‘senior’ couples relationships, they last as long as they do because many of them have chosen to settle for and with each other.
They were brought up in a time when individuals (especially women) were expected to put up and shut up.

Irrespective of age, some once had romantic love for each other, however over the years, that fizzles out and they settle into a pattern of mutual respect, having a love for each other but not necessarily being in love.
Those couples usually lack passion, or sexual desire for each other and can often times accept a sexless relationship/marriage.

Some choose to settle and adopt a more pragmatic approach to their relationship, they are not necessarily happy, but for the sake of bringing up children, paying bills or having a roof over their head, they make things work.

Others will always have a passion and love (or lust depending on your belief) for someone who is not available and usually in a relationship with someone else.
Those individuals, for fear of being alone, or trying to forget that individual, will usually look for someone to be with…usually ending in…you guessed it, a break-up.

My advice to all, the young, young-ish or older, is never to settle, especially if you haven’t had an honest conversation with the person you are thinking about, or are, settling with.
I’m sure its possible for a ‘settling’ relationship to work (especially in this day and age) if a couple has an open up-front conversation and agrees to the arrangement.
It would obviously help, if they choose not to have children but the danger of that arrangement is an obvious one, the leading to an ‘open relationship’… that’s another topic, for another time.
Like I said, we have an uncanny ability to complicate matters, that’s why there are so many unhappy singles and couples in the world today.

Personal note
Unless there are serious medical conditions involved, I personally couldn’t have a long-term partner where I didn’t have a deep physical passion for, or they for me…that’s called friendship.
Friendships are great but the majority of us, were not made to just have non-sexual friendships, we were made to have holistic relationships which involves sexual intimacy.

Questions for you
Have you ever settled, did it eventually work out?
Are you settling now and do you have an open/honest arrangement with the person you are settling with?
Are you refusing to settle, preferring to be happy on your own?
Are you waiting for the person you want, to become available?
Or are you staying on your own, until your right person comes along?

Phil Gayle
G Man