The marriage series – Forsaking all others

* Is “our person” pre destined by Yeshua or do we meet them by determined courses of action or random coincidence?
* Do we have to put the faith and effort into developing ourselves while we’re single, or is that not necessary?
* If we’re not serious about dating, does it take us longer to find “the one”?
* Do we ‘know’ immediately when we meet someone, or does it take a while for us to realise?
* If we reject someone and still can’t find “our person”, did we make a mistake and reject, “the one”?
* Can we continue to randomly date, without serious and honest intention and expect to achieve the best chance of meeting someone serious?
* Is there one set rule, for relationship success?
* Does the true ‘connection’ happen when we least expect it?

FSAC_TrueAgeTimeline

Whether or not all or some of the questions above, are applicable, if people are single (not natural celibates) and want to eventually get married, they fall into 1 of 3 camps.
1) People who have a firm belief that it will eventually happen, at the right time.
2) People who believe they are running out of time and it may or may not happen.
3) People who (deep down in their hearts) would still like it to, but openly declare that it’s too late for them, due to their age and the circles they travel within.

The importance of friendship

A man who has friends must himself be friendly,
But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

Proverbs 18:24

It’s said, that there is someone for everyone, a saying which is obviously only applicable to those who are ‘not’ natural celibates.
However, romantic relationships aside, it’s amazing how so many people struggle with regular friendships.
I believe being a good friend ‘in general’, is a natural foundation to build on, in order to eventually become an amazing partner, spouse and lover.
The action of friendship and being a good friend, is not something which can be switched on and off, it needs to be nurtured and grown, with both positive and negative experiences.
This is the reason why I place an emphasis on friendship and good communication.
If you haven’t already done so, please read:-

Real friends and family – honesty and love

The changing meaning of friendship

Friendship first

More on communication

It’s important to remember

The are obviously different character types, with differing levels of social skills.
Some are givers, some takers and others find the healthy balance of being somewhere in-between.
It’s a fact of life that some will always find a way to abuse the kindness of others, with self-centred selfish actions and some will allow themselves to be the constant push-over always being taken for granted.
Some will help to zap and energise the people around them while others sap the life and energy out of the people around them.
Some will complain about the lack of care and support from others, while not stepping outside of their comfort zones, to show and share the example of caring and support.
Depending on how you look at life, the glass is either half-full, with the possibility of meeting new, interesting balanced and open people, to eventually make friends with.
Or, you’re a glass half-empty person, fearing the worse, not wanting to put yourself out there for fear of getting hurt, abused and taken advantage of.

Social interaction at a friendship level is important and serves as a gauge, for us to see how well we interact with others.

Men and women can be friends

Good friendships are rare and hard to find, some find it easier to gel with the opposite sex, others prefer the comfortability of same-sex friendships, then there are those (like myself) who loves having a balance of friends of both genders.
People can bring problems and head-aches but they can also bring an interesting richness and variety of positive experiences to your life, which makes having friendships worth-while.

As an additional note, in my experience, I’ve found that (in general) people with siblings of the opposite sex also find it easier to make and have friends of the opposite sex, without thinking that the friendship has to automatically lead to a physical and emotional relationship.
People who are from same sex sibling families and those who are the only child, find it harder to do so.

FSAC_TypesOfFriendships

The above tweet is from an online SM associate/friend in my network.
I responded giving my view and it was good to see others engaging, giving him some interesting responses.
It’s a topic Lois and I have spoken about in-depth over the years.
We both believe it’s possible, where complete transparency is practised.
I personally think it’s healthy and balanced for a couple to have joint friends but also their own friends (of both genders) and see nothing wrong with married people having both married and single friends of both sexes.
However, I’m not sure where I stand in a percentage, as to whether I’m in the majority or minority of people who have that view.
I believe it’s possible, if individuals are secure in themselves, honest about their emotions, balanced and reasonable managing their jealousy levels, not extremist to the point of possessiveness and respectful of all parties involved.
Also, more importantly, if there are no feelings of attraction, no ‘what it?’, ‘I wonder?’ or ‘if only’ internal questions, thoughts and feelings on either side.
It’s possible for a married person to have a friendship with a person of the opposite sex (no matter how physically or mentally attractive they are) without there being any issues.
To reiterate, the main proviso being, that both parties are honest with themselves, each other and the marital spouse, concerning where they stand, mentally and emotionally.

Whether people are married or not, opposite gender relationships can become very awkward and difficult to maintain, if both or either party has an attraction to the other person and obviously way more complicated if the friend is married.
It’s also about a level of trust, some people can’t trust themselves or others, so they stay away from possible good friendships, due to not wanting to develop emotional and physical feelings for the other person.
Sad but understandable and good to do, if a person can’t trust themselves and the friend is married.

Friendships and relationships

I am a great believer in people having a positive mindset, exercising faith, prayer, doing ‘the necessary work’ and putting yourself in a position to receive what is meant for you.
When serious relationships happen, it’s a wonderful thing, but a warning.
Relationships can be like waiting at a bust stop for a bus and after waiting for a long time, 3 buses turn up all at once, giving additional options.
Or like applying for a few jobs, after obtaining employment and a good position, you receive another job offer which appears to be too good to ignore.

I told my middle son to be careful how he interacts with others, not to give mixed signals to females and to watch out for the 3rd party, both now, while he is still single but especially when he eventually dates someone seriously.
There is something I realised a long time ago, concerning the competitive nature of some females.
As a man, when you are on your own, walking, travelling, working, shopping etc. you can seemingly get on with life with little or no attention from unknown (or known) females.
However, the moment you are in a relationship, whether travelling on your own, but especially while travelling with your partner, the attention increases from certain females.
My son confirmed my observational warnings, informing me that on more than one occasion, while walking and talking with old female school friends and work colleagues, the head turning and prolonged stares from other females have occurred.
It is that kind of dynamic and action from ‘third parties’ (both male and female) which can make young developing minds and even those old enough to know better, behave like a kid in a candy store.
If people are not careful, due to this (explainable) phenomenon, a person who felt they were once was unseen, becomes ‘seen’ and can fall for the temptation of trying to have their cake and pie too. Attempting to date multiple people, due to being ‘noticed’ and now seemingly popular.

FSAC_ResistTemptation

Resist the temptation

If you’ve read the previous posts in this series you’ll know that cheating can be done in two ways, by physical actions as well as by heart and mind fantasies.
Those with a spiritual understanding, obviously recognise it begins in the heart and mind before it comes out in an individuals actions.
That being said, it’s those who physically carry out the action, who are lambasted and disliked most, by other people.
Ironically, those who verbally bash others for physically carrying out the action of cheating, are sometimes guilty of doing the other form of cheating…Yeshua sees and knows all.

Frustration, unhappiness, disappointments, greed, unwarranted competitiveness, envy, the harsh condemnation of others who have messed up, are all causes of infidelity.
Coveting (wanting what someone else has) has it’s foundations in a few of the aforementioned emotions and behaviours.
When a couple are in problems, it can be easy to utilise the gift of good communication in the ‘wrong’ area, usually sharing with a third party and dangerously doing so with someone of the opposite sex.
It’s not right, communication should begin with the spouse and if counselling is necessary, so be it.
The only dynamic which is ‘safe’ for peer-level communication, is for a man to speak to his ‘straight’ sister about his situation with his wife or a woman to speak to her ‘straight’ brother about her situation with her husband.
Sometimes you do need a third party to listen to a situation/scenario, however, sadly, in the times we live in, individuals with marital problems have to use wisdom and also resist the urge to speak to just any random friend, even of the same gender.
If that friend is not happily married, a counsellor or both, that friend(frienemy) may have secret desires about their partner.
Sharing details with them, would only be fuelling them with information which can later be used against the spouse with problems.
It may sound ridiculous to some but strange things happen, especially in a world where people think it’s OK to pull someone away from a relationship, or step out on their relationship or marriage, if they are ‘not happy’.
The cliché saying and emphasis on not being happy, is just an excuse.
It takes two people to build up and two to tear down.
If an individual wants their relationship to work, the development of the quotient-quadrant needs to be remembered and all aspects need to be applied.
With the implementation of open and honest communication about feelings, urges and temptations, single and joint prayer, food fasting and mutually agreed specific time-limited sex fasting.
Along with self and relationship development, with books and other materials as well as counselling, if necessary.
They are all available to assist any couple to get through their ‘valley period’, relationship low phases.
The onus is on the married individual to remember they made the vows and committent to their spouse and to honour it.

Those on the outside, looking in on a relationship need to understand.
Individuals being unhappy and going through a relationship-low, is not an invitation to divide and conquer.
Whether you’ve known a married individual longer than their spouse has, or feel you know them better.
If that married person was really for you, they would be married to you.
If you find that person attractive and that attraction goes deeper than it should, you need to be honest with yourself and them and tell them that you can’t maintain a friendship.
Think of it this way, all the traits you admire about a person, would be tarnished, if they left their partner for you.
Which is something (over the years of being married) I’ve had to tell a couple of individuals, when the friendship lines became blurred from their end.

For those in a relationship, the situations I mentioned, happened with me when I was perfectly content in my marriage and wasn’t displaying any signs of being unhappy.
Therefore its obvious that it’s much easier for a third party to ‘blur the lines’ and receive the wrong message, if you tell them all about your problems with your spouse.
It’s important to understand that some people do not have the mental and emotional maturity and capacity to be friends with someone they find attractive.
If you (as a married person) is that way, you should cut ties with all people you feel that way about, just as a single person should do, if they can’t or refuse to shake feelings for a married friend.

Finally…

Whether you want to admit it or not, marriage is also about resisting temptation and forsaking all others; in a restaurant, some look at the meals which others have ordered.
Not everyone calling themselves friends or being ‘friendly’, are.
Some have ulterior motives and secret desires they intend to eventually act on, it’s a sad (and explainable) part of life, human nature and human interaction.

Think carefully about the decisions you make and who you choose to speak to.
You maybe single and having problems and could be speaking to someone who is married, who is looking to have you as a secret, or if they’re blatant, public affair.

As a sociable and friendly person, it can be sad and disappointing to see the changes in people, you once thought were friends.
A real friend would never do anything to jeopardise yours or their own relationship; frienemies are different.

Where mixed gender friendships occur, it can sadly be part of the course, people liking and desiring in areas they should not.
It’s best for everyone to resist the temptations and remove themselves from situations they can’t physically or emotionally cope with.
The married have to remember that they have the greater responsibility to do so, doing all they can to keep their hearts and minds from straying, forsaking all others, for the sake of their marriage.

Phil Gayle
Watiwa Mtoto wa Yeshua
The G Man


#ForSinglesAndCouples #fsac #marriage #singles #friendship #couples #infidelity #preventinginfidelity

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